Thursday night, I could not sleep. Literally, I was up at 4:30am wide awake watching Houseon Hulu. I dozed off around 5:30am, so that means I only was able to capture two hours of precious sleep.
Needless to say, I wasn't very productive on Friday. I'm actually very lucky I was able to put all my clothes on right-side out.
Why couldn't I sleep, you ask? Well, there is a very good explanation for that. You see, I had my second interview on Thursday, and it left my mind on overdrive. Without going into too much detail, because I do believe that you can "jinx" a situation, it went pretty well. I'm one of three candidates, and I think I have a pretty good shot of being offered the position. And I'd want to be offered the position! It's such a warm, friendly, and inviting office, very much unlike what I work in now.
Here's the catch: I don't know what the salary will be. I talked about it during my interview with the director of the department, and basically she only has a range and this point, because she's trying to work on getting more money for the position. However, the range that she gave me is a little too low.
You see, this job is so much more than a professional move. Not only will it allow me to work in a different niche within my field, and gain more experience, but it will allow me to move off of a college campus for the first time in over eight years. And with that, comes paying rent. Essentially, I've made some great strides to take control over my finances, and I've talked a lot about them here (I can't find the post, but feel free to search back a few months, read all our posts and enjoy!), and I would need a job that allowed me to comfortably pay rent.
This job might not.
It all depends, there are a lot of factors: the director is trying to get more money, and I wouldn't know what my rent is yet because I don't want bad job juju by going and looking for a place before I'm offered a job, and Achoo factors into all this at some point because we're thinking of moving in together in 3 months.
Needless to say, the organized, money-conscious planner in me is freaking out. There are a lot of "if" factors that come with this job. I'm really struggling because I want this job so badly that I can taste it, but if the salary isn't enough, I'll have to turn it down.
Which leads me to Friday night. All of this had been swirling in my head for the past 36 hours, leaving me unable to sleep, and I had a little bit of a break after work. On the phone with Achoo, and I had one of my infamous crytalking-no-one-can-understand-me-as-I-overreact flip-outs. He was very supportive and suggested that I take a couple hours to try to sleep and he'd call me back. So what did I do? I got on the phone with my mom and my sister and continued to further dissect the situation. Kay talked me down, suggested I take a shower, and I called Achoo to apologize. He said he'd come over in a couple of hours and we'd bake some cupcakes to help distract me.
My logical brain knows the following things:
- If I'm meant to get this job and make this move, all the cards will fall into place.
- I can't put my cart before my horse, because they haven't offered me the job.
- They might not offer me the job.
- I will be able to find an apartment somewhere for the right price that will allow me to have Jersey, but it might take some time to find. I have places where we can stay until that happens.
- Once I move in with Achoo, I can afford rent and utilities and will still be able to save.
- I have to consider finances, yes, but I also have to consider my happiness, and what doors this new job could open for me, both personally and professionally.
- My friends and family are wonderful and will help and support me.
My illogical brain freaks out over the following things:
- What if they don't offer me the job and I have to stay at the hell I'm working at now?
- What if they offer me the job but it's even lower than my lowest survivable salary?
- What if I can't find a place to live and I have to move in with my Grandma? (yikes!)
- What if this puts a strain on Achoo and me?
- What if I go into serious debt over this?
- What if I have to give Jersey to my parents for a few months? Who will sleep on my head at night?
And the list goes on and on. At the end of the day, the director could come back with being able to get a couple more dollars and offer me the job, and yes, money will be a little tight for a few months, but once I move in with Achoo everything will be fine. I might have to "skip" Christmas this year. And again, they may not offer me the job, and I'm freaking out over nothing.
It all boils down to: I really want the job. And if they offer it to me, this is what the debate comes down to: Job I'll love but money will be tight for a few months vs. Job I hate and can afford everything I need right now.
LaLa said something very important to me Friday. She said: "Jerz, If they offer you the job, at a salary you could make work for a couple of months even though it will be tough, and you don't take it, will you always wonder "what if?" Will you regret it? You always promised yourself you'd live with no regrets."
Queens suggested: "Move in with Grandma or whoever for just one month. Save for that one month. Then that's one month of rent that you have as a buffer and only 2 months that you'll have to "survive" until you move in with Achoo."
All very wise, sage woman-like advice, no? That's why they are my best friends.
And the end of the day, I just have to keep going with my life until I hear something. Freaking out will not solve anything, and I just have to cross each bridge as I come to it. If they don't offer me the job, it wasn't meant to be, and I keep looking.
That's pretty hard to swallow, though, when you want something so bad, right?